Anyone else been feeling off lately? Appetite gone and not feeling like you want to be bothered with much of anything? The Zodiac gays—that’s the name I give the gays who love astrology and shit—told me that Mercury was in retrograde recently which could affect emotions heavily. That’s what I think they said, at least.
I knew I was feeling off when I started to watch Avengers: Endgame and I started to cry uncontrollably during the scene when Tony Stark dies. All I could think is that I wanted to go home to my family in Georgia. I wanted to hear my mother and father complaining about me coming home at all hours of the night drunk; to feel like I can’t breathe from my grandmother squeezing too hard during a hug; and to see the smile on my niece’s face as she recognizes that she’s got me in person and can empty out my wallet. I think all of the past year hit me at once. I sat there crying uncontrollably for about 30 minutes.

After I cleaned my face and grabbed some water, I knew I had to do something. I fell asleep and woke the next morning around 5 AM. I booked a hotel on the beach in a small town called San Clemente and grabbed a rental car. By 8 AM that morning I texted my supervisor. I mentioned that I would be out of the office that morning while I traveled but would log back into work after lunch.

The drive down to San Clemente was what I needed. It was peaceful and I enjoyed it. I felt happy. It may have been from the large amounts of caffeine I had or it could have been purely the joy of singing 90’s R&B at the top of my lungs with the wind down. Be it this or that, I was happy.

I relaxed as best I could. I went down to the local liquor store to get a few IPAs and then set out to chase the sunset. I FaceTimed my little brother and he joined me on my adventure to chase the sun. We laughed, we joked, we caught up, and I appreciated it. That short 20 minute conversation filled my soul.

I walked back to the hotel and grabbed Korean BBQ on the way back. I had no idea how to eat it, however, and I called one of my best mates—Jorge—to help me figure it out. Long story short: I am not a fan of Koran BBQ because I’m basic. If you know me, you know my meal of choice includes French fries and BBQ sauce. After this failed attempt at being adventurous with food I settled on a local taqueria. I passed out in bed shortly after.

The next day I woke at 6 to see the sunrise on the beach. I grabbed a hot chocolate, some doughnuts and made my way to the San Clemente State Beach. I only planned to sit on the beach for a bit yet I ended up walking a mile or so to the pier.

That day or so in San Clemente reminded me of something: to be selfish, to center myself for a bit. I think many people give so much to others that we forget to focus on ourselves. That vacation, the conversation with my brother, it set me at peace.

Do something for yourself. Just for you.