Like many others I use dating apps. I often frequent Grindr and Tinder for, let’s call them, rendezvous or walks in the park. I recently downloaded Hinge to see what it would be like in a new city; keep in mind I’ve tried it before and was not a fan. The primary reason: I couldn't be the hoe I wanted to be as easily as I can with other apps.

A few days passed by and I happened to match with this 6’5 cute little redheaded twink. The conversation started with me giving a standard, “Hey, what’s up?” We talked about a number of things and it was great to have easy conversation. Conversation was easy and he had this sort of wit about him that I appreciated. He also didn’t take any of my bullshit and was calling out things left and right. I appreciate a man who can handle a big personality like me and, baby, he was handling it.

Fast forward a few weeks. and conversation about our health, I was over at his place for dinner. We had a chemistry that was nice and was attractive. We ate, drank a few beers, and somehow I ended up eating an edible. Before I knew it, he and I were walking hand in hand to the tar pits. I thought about how good of a night it was when I woke in his bed the next morning.

We’ve been hanging out and talking for a month or so. My closest friends will tell you that’s progress for me because—whew chile—I am a bit of a wild one. I have felt a range of emotions that are so abnormal. Read this: I planned a date. It was the 30th and I told him 2 days before to not cook anything for dinner. I went to Target to grab tequila, beer, and Jenga; came home to write things on the Jenga blocks; ordered every kind of taco I could from the taqueria down the street; bought slice of chocolate cake and one of the rainbow cake from Santa Monica; and went to his place. I did that. I don’t normally do that for anyone.

So why am I telling you all this? It’s because I am stressed, I am nervous, and I am confused. I like this guy a lot because he gives me those butterflies. I don’t expect him to want to be my “man” or anything but I do like hanging out with him right now.

I cannot describe the feelings related to anxiety this brings on, too. I have had a thousand little thoughts in my head about this outcome or that and all those random scenarios that would probably never happen but that my brain says will.

I don’t like this. I like a little control in my life, blame it on obsessiveness brought on by childhood trauma, and this is uncontrollable. Why is this whole courting, dating, relationship thing doing this to me?

When you’re praying to little black baby Jesus who slept in the manger, pray for me too.