I am cursed. I’m sure of this. I happen to fall for men who are complicated, emotionally unavailable, gay only during the weekends, gay after a few drinks, who date men in their youth but want to settle down with women and have kids one day, etc. I could go on for days about how this particular group of men seemed to have me in their grip.

Most recently there were two.

Summer: A man and I hung out a lot; A kiss happened and some cuddling. After more repeatedly confusing events, he told me he was straight.

Late Summer: A straight man, without any sort of provoking, texted me, and said he was thinking about me. We exchanged some text and photos yet a week later things felt different.

I fell for the traps. I did and it felt good to be completely honest because it felt nice to be wanted.

Now here is the deal. Folks have labeled me as a “straight chaser” and this or that. I have several several things to say about this.

I seem to attract these hipstery, heteroflexible white men. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of how I engage in some spaces, maybe it’s because of where I live, or maybe it’s because they perceive this lighter skin and hazel eyes as me being a more palatable Black man. I’m also a bit of a bro. I don’t “chase” straight men. If a man makes a pass at me, however, I will respond because I am weak for a man with a cute smile who can read a map. I also assume they’re gay because of context.

I know it’s a mess and my cousin, Kendrick J., tells me all the time. Let me be stupid. I know what I’m doing. I am not entertaining a man anymore than I need. There was a video on Instagram. This lady was like, “I like this man and so I’m back with him with my stupid face on. Mind your business because some people like to be stupid in private.” Let me be great—for a weekend—with this 6’4” Bob the Builder, hipster man. I might cry about it later but I also will grab a bottle of chardonnay and be over it within 24-48 hours. One of my strengths is resilience.

We’re in 2020. There are a lot more men who are “open” to experiences than many think. I appreciate this flexibility/fluidity but also know my own boundaries. Again, I know I’m falling for a trap but Chad, Zack, Dominic, and Eduardo are fine fine.

I’ll end with a last few thoughts:

Men, why are you so complicated? Straight, gay, bi, queer. All of you are complicated.
I do not chase straight men.
I do not homewreck because I’m a gentle, Southern belle.
I try to live as best I can in my own truth, boundaries, and realities.
I like being dumb and young sometimes. It’s fun.

Last thoughts here. If any of you know if Chris Evans is single and ready to mingle, let me know. I do live in Hollywood now, we’re birthday pals (#June13), and I have been convinced that he was my soulmate since the sundae scene in Not Another Teen Movie. I’ll also take Machine Gun Kelly; I think we’ve established that I am a hipster and I love climbing trees.