I’ve known for a while that I need to go to see someone to talk through things yet I’ve been resistant for years. More recently, I’ve felt a number of emotions I don’t normally feel. Part of my feelings come from what I’ve felt is a lack of relationships in my life feeling reciprocal and a lack of feeling valued in those relationships. I talked to a friend—Victor—about knowing that I give a lot to others and I try to do the best I can by folks but I don’t often feel that folks do that in return. To put it simply I am the kind of friend that will text folks to check on them often, who’ll make sure to remind folks to call when they get home, and who drunk calls friends because my drunken spirit wants to laugh with them.

I also think people view me as the “strong” person. I admit that I do think I have a good bit of resilience built up naturally because of my identities and experiences. I also know that I often hide some emotions because I have to be the strong person a lot; I am an older brother, the child that parents lean on a lot at times, the one other family leans on, I’m the family member that was able to go to college and get a master’s degree, I’m the friend that folks call when they are at their lows, etc. It can be overwhelming yet I have felt that I had to minimize my feelings to support others.

Over the past few weeks I’ve started to ignore phone calls, text, and was bitchy to a few folks because I’ve felt indifferent lately; this doesn't apply to all folks because sometimes I don’t pick up or reply because I reply in my head but I forget to actually respond. I don’t like feeling like this and so it’s time to go see someone finally.

Back to that part about being too hesitant. It's because of this:

I was socialized, in my particular environments, to believe that therapy or counseling weren’t things we did. I was taught to suck it up, to push through, and to keep quiet about most emotions.
It was never an option before because of access. Money and access to adequate health care can affect so much.
I am scared. There’s going to be a person who is prying into my thoughts or asking me to dig into things I don’t know if I am ready to dog into.

However I may feel I opened up to two close friends—Jorge and Jonathan—about this and mentioned that I would look for someone once I moved to Los Angeles. I’m here and I guess it’s about that time. I’ll be in therapy or counseling by the end of the year. Someone check on me in about a month; don’t let me shy away from this.